My husband & my best friend didn't even know how bad it had gotten. My whole life I've tried so hard to be 'normal' & put on a happy face so people would like me, and I wouldn't be a burden to anyone.
For 16 years I had tried so hard to hide my illness from most people, only letting in those that I was really close to.
Even after being open about my illness 2.5 years ago (on this same blog), I've still tried so hard to be and pretend to be 'okay'.
In March I started to really struggle with life in general. I wasn't able to cope as well as I was trying to lead on. I kept putting on that smile that says 'I'm ok'. I occasionally reached out to close friends and family. Kept thinking that if I just tried really hard and kept pretending things were ok, they eventually would be.
May 6, 2017 my dear Father in law passed away unexpectedly. He was a father to me for 11 years. He was the only person in my life during a very hard couple of years that NEVER judged me. He was the only person to make me feel completely loved during this time, even when I didn't feel I deserved love at all. He really was one of the most amazing people I have ever been blessed to not only know, but grow extremely close to. He really was my Dad. We often talked about our struggles, worries, Fun times, the newest gadgets, & everything in between. Between October & December we e-mailed A LOT. He cared so much for his grandkids and wanted to give them a magical Christmas every year. A few years ago we started e-mailing Amazon lists back and forth. He joked with me that I got him hooked on one of the best secrets- Amazon Prime. Every time I saw him he would tell me about something new he found on Amazon that he no longer had to go to the store for. He just had so much excitement for everything. He taught me to have fun and love life. There will always be a hole in my heart that cannot be filled.
To say that I was and am heartbroken is a giant understatement. I had no idea it was possible to feel so much pain and to grieve so hard. People say with time it gets easier. I'm waiting for that time to come...
Just a week after this terrible time, Amelie and Sophia started ABA therapy. They & we as a family have been struggling for a long time with their Autism/Aspergers. To most, they seem 'normal'. It isn't until you spend real time with them on a daily basis that you see the whole picture.
The ABA therapy had me driving 8-10 hours a week. I was just trying to get through each crazy, busy day & still give the kids a good summer.
The driving quickly became overwhelmingly exhausting. I just kept trying to push through all the pain and exhaustion.
I had lost interest in everything I loved.
June 21, 2017 it all finally caught up to me and exploded in my face, turning into a deep, dark, scary low.
Many can't understand 'how' a person can be suicidal. I don't know if it's something that anyone can truly understand unless they've been there. It's not something I would ever wish on anyone.
It's something that for so long I was embarrassed of. How could I be so WEAK? How could I be so SELFISH? WHY would I ever want to take my life? I wish so badly that I could explain how my brain works when I get into that deep of darkness. It's so scary and painful & takes over to the point that I don't even feel like I am me anymore. Like someone else is controlling my thoughts and actions.
I also don't know how to explain how I was able to redirect my thoughts long enough to get help. Losing my uncle to suicide when I was 6 years old still feels awful and I miss him every day. The only thought I remember having before I got help was 'You can't do that to your kids'.
I feel awful for anyone that has ever lost someone to suicide. In my opinion and personal experience, it truly is the mental illness that is taking lives, not the person 'taking their own life'.
June 22nd I checked myself into the University of Utah Nueropsychiatric Institute (UNI).
With extreme med changes & lots of daily counseling and therapy groups I was able to come home July 3rd. I wish I could say that things are back to 'normal'. They are not and I don't know if they ever will be, but I am stable right now and hopeful for the future.
Unfortunately, the meds they put me on that are keeping me stable also have me a little sedated making me extremely tired and dizzy all day, with my familial tremor more present than ever before. I told Kodi that I feel like I have dementia or something. I'm forgetting a lot more than normal for me and have been asking a lot of questions repeatedly. This is not the quality of life I would have hoped for, but if it means I'm alive and stable, I'll take what I can get.
Finding a good psychiatrist again is very key right now. Someone that can hopefully help me manage life with some other meds that aren't quite as debilitating.
I don't share all of this in hopes of pity from anyone. But I do feel that it is important that I don't pretend anymore. If I had diabetes I would be open about it with people and how it affects my life, and the adjustments I would have to make.
Mental illness shouldn't be any different & I hope to continue to raise awareness for such a scary disease and help others be aware of the help that is out there, and also hopefully help people to not be afraid of something they don't understand.
If you are curious about mental illness, search! There are so many amazing articles out there to help loved ones try to understand a little better why someone that is mentally ill is that way..
If you are suffering with mental illness, seek help. Don't try to fight it alone. It's a lonely battle that shouldn't have to be fought alone. If you feel no-one cares or understands, there are support groups through NAMI with plenty of people who do care and do understand.
If you are struggling and feel hopeless or unsafe there are 2 numbers I recommend. The warm line
Warm Line 801-587-1055
for when you don't know where to turn and need someone to talk to, and the crisis line for when you just can't endure any longer. PLEASE reach out.
CrisisLine 801-587-3000
I have now been in UNI 4 times. I was ashamed of this until right before I left. One of the kind staff members said "You are so strong to come back. Don't ever think coming here again makes you weak.'
